Hidden Thoughts!!!

Once upon a time many times when no one hears but me, it's not strange i thought, is just thoughts, is like a movie that my brain created without me wanting sometimes and it's like flashing pictures happening very fast, they cause different types of feelings, they drag me away from everyone without me knowing. They get confused thinking if that was just my personality, or if that is the way i had been raced to be, i got the habit of not expressing myself because i thought they knew what was happening.

There is space in between those thoughts where it enables me to understand anyone talking to me.... I love to learn new things i constantly ask questions... but my brain wasn't obtaining the information giving to me... Sadly they used to think i was dumb, not bright enough or don't really want to learn what i was taught.

I grew up been stubborn, distant, anti-social, selfish and at one point careless, i never meant to be like that, they judge me by the lack of confrontation, lack of communication, and how i refuse to share the only things that i had. I didn't have friends, because i was afraid of speaking up to some one that wouldn't be there long enough to listen to me all the time or long enough to stick there to understand me, so anyways i already had from the longest an imaginary person that told me her opinion at all times about others and about me, that is the only person that was understanding what was happening with me, it wasn't normal not been normal, it hurt my feelings especially when my mother wasn't trying to understand me, it had created a lots of misunderstanding and confusion. Between things happening in my life that i wasn't agreeing to, teachers not understanding why the lack of comprehension, my mother not listening and me not talking or opening up to some one else...

Years passed by my memory and thoughts were getting worse, i did good enough to graduate school, i did good enough to find a job, but i wasn't doing good on daily life, i always felt sad, frustrated, angry, confused, still didn't know what to do about it. But one day a Dr. told me what was the issue, she gave me this pill that required some type of therapy while i was being treated... i wasn't too happy with that i thought; i have to talk!!!, well i did but not enough for the therapist to help me, because me and that person in my head thought that she wasn't going to be able to help me, that person in my head always gives her opinion i always had the habit to go for what is saying to me, so i have seen a couple of different therapists, not because i was looking for different ones but because of things of life it ended up not working out because of situations that life brings...

Sadly i have gotten used to things been taking away... so the person in my head trained me to not get attached to anything, and to be very careful with everything and anything.. My tendency is to the extreme, that it's affecting me as a person as a mother, as a co-worker, as a girlfriend, as a sister, as a daughter and as a friend... Good things i have held to, because of this issue, i could listen to people and understand them, i could put myself in there shoes, i could be there for anyone as long that person in my head doesn't intervene. I have learned some how to control that person by blocking her, even thou sometimes it's hard, people get the impression that they can't count on me because of my moods, in certain moods i can't function and that's where the lack of communication come from, or the lack of confrontation come from and they connect like a puzzle and there's always one peace missing that we still can't find yet....